Author: Pamela Reed

Why are some things difficult to admit? What circumstances do we find ourselves in where we cannot tell the truth? Where in our lives is it problematic or challenging to be honest?

To admit something means “to confess to be true or to be the case” (Oxford Dictionary) A confession takes on a personal tone and feels weightier, perhaps. Wikipedia defines confession as “a statement made by a person acknowledging some personal fact that the person would ostensibly prefer to keep hidden.” Confession is a part of many religions and its purpose, as I see it, is to lift an oppressive weight—to bring lightness into our being, even if just for a moment. A confession or admittance does not necessarily correlate to something of questionable morality. It can relate to the societal code that is pressed upon as “The Shoulds”.

To name something means to mention something without ambiguity. That expression, “let’s call a spade a spade” is exactly that. So why it is difficult at times to name our personal truths? I work with many highly sensitive people. This can be difficult for some people to accept as true about themselves because they see it as a negative. The truths are those things about us that are, but the difficulty can arise if we feel they should not be. There lies that insidious monster, lurking in the corners of our being…shame. We are afraid of how our truths will be perceived by others. According to Brené Brown, shame is an “intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” This feeling of shame affects our actions and how we move (or do not move) in the world.

Why is it important to “name our truths?”. I believe that when we don’t do that, we get stuck in our lives, or we find ourselves living someone else’s life, someone else’s truth. So, how do we name our personal truths when sometimes we have learned not to?

When learning something new (or unlearning something old), it can be helpful to break that process down into smaller bits. This is why instruction manuals exist. So, if an instruction manual existed for how to name your truth, it might look something like this:

Step 1: Say it.

Step 2: Accept it.

Step 3: Move forward.

Easy, right?

Nope. It is not easy. Our world has a myriad of billboards that holler at us in every space of our external, material lives, screaming to us about “the Shoulds”. It is difficult to drown them out. However, when we get closer to accepting what is true about us, the noise is easier to distinguish as “that doesn’t apply to me”.

So, for Step 1, start with changing “should be” in our thoughts to “I am”. In the therapy world, we call this “reframing”. The word “should” can link to suffering.

I often find my clients struggle with what they perceive to be the truth about themselves. In fact, they view a neutral statement or observation about themselves through the lens of how they “should” be. For instance, a former client said ‘I should be able to have more friends, I should have a more robust social life and be more outgoing in social situations. Can you help me with this?” I looked at them, waited a moment to allow their words to be held in the room, and then gently replied, “You are an introvert, and you want me to help make you an extrovert?” The bit of weight that lifted in that space we held together was palpable. And when that weight lifted, a small, new space was created—one for laughter. And in that space, was also the struggle. Because we both knew at that moment that the question was ridiculous and held the pain for my client of wishing it could be true—that he could be an extrovert because that is what the world tells us we should be. For this client, Step 1 of naming their truth is simply stating, “I am an introvert”.

“Step 2: Accept it” takes more time. My wish for this client, is to come to an acceptance that as an introvert, they prefer to engage with people individually or in small groups, and when they come to that acceptance, they can move forward in their life with this knowledge, transcending into the action of creating deep, fulfilling, connections with a small number of people. And why? Because that is their truth.

Should relates to judgment, and we judge ourselves when we compare ourselves to others. I have read articles and blogs recently around “how to stop comparing yourselves to others”. I believe it’s impossible not to compare. However, I do believe that we can compare without suffering or feeling negatively about ourselves. We experience suffering because of the story we tell ourselves about the comparison. The truth may be that someone is better at something than you are. But that does not conclude that you are flawed. That is a fact. No research or law would hold water to that assumption or argument.

The truth is we are all amazing. We are all wired differently with different strengths, different ways of thinking about things, different perceptions, and ways of creatively communicating and connecting within this world. The great American astronomer, Carl Sagan, said, “The cosmos is within us. We are made of star-stuff. We are a way for the universe to know itself.” The truths about ourselves elucidate truths about the universe and all its uniqueness.

Here are a few “Shoulds” I have encountered in my work:

I should be thinner.
I should be able to tolerate my partner’s behaviors.
I should be able to concentrate.
I should like my job and be thankful I have one.
I should like certain movies and TV shows.
I should want to spend time with my family.

Here are the truth antidotes to those “Shoulds”:

My body type and shape are unique to me.
My partner hurts me.
I have difficulty concentrating when there is a lot going on around me.
I hate my job.
I am sensitive to movies and TV shows that are violent.
My family is hard for me to be around.

We name it. We accept it. We move forward with this as knowledge and understanding. We understand how to be compassionate toward ourselves. When we can do this, we can be compassionate toward others. Can we be one without the other? I’m not sure we can.

Prince, the legendary musician, masterfully illustrated the practice of turning neutral comparison into art in a 1999 Larry King Live interview:

Larry King: You are– you would admit to yourself, an unusual personality?

Prince: It depends.

Larry King: Well, let’s say you’re different.

Prince: As compared to what?

Name your truths. It is the starting point to a whole new way of being in the world without being influenced negatively by it. We are all a part of the universe and made of “star-stuff.” Just like Prince.

Pamela J. Reed, MA, LPCC, CCTP

What does it mean to be authentic? Merriam Webster’s definition includes the following: (1) not false or imitation; (2) true to one’s own personality, spirit, or character. What does it mean to have an authentic connection with others? How do we communicate with one another in way that is not false, that is not imitation and is true to our own personality, spirit, and character?

I have come to understand that we experience authentic or inauthentic connection within the subtleties of our communications. How do we know when someone is being their authentic self? We feel it. We know it. Yet, it can be difficult to describe. Sometimes it is easier to describe something not by what it is, but what it isn’t. So, how do we experience someone being inauthentic?

Dissonance, or a lack of harmony is one way to describe this experience. Dissonance within communication can take several forms, all of which have a distinct energetic feel that can cause a negative reaction within the recipient of the communication. Patients of mine who are highly sensitive have a skilled radar for inauthenticity. And some feel heartbroken by it. We all crave authentic connection, wanting others to see us for who we truly are. When we are in the presence of those with more self-absorbed or narcissistic tendencies, communication feels one-sided. We are acutely aware that the conversation involves only one person. The dissonance is in the person’s lack of self-awareness and of others.

Social media can promote inauthentic connection and communication. In all our communications with others, we should ask ourselves, “what does this communication serve?” Many times, specifically with social media, communication serves the ego. Eckhart Tolle, the spiritual teacher and self-help author, describes the ego as “the external image we have of ourselves”. I am not suggesting that all communication through social media is inauthentic. Social media has united and connected us in ways that have brought positive change to our world. I am only suggesting that it can also be used to propagate inauthentic versions of ourselves because of the powerful need for external validation.

Communication through social media is greatly affected by external factors. We can lose ourselves easily due to our inherent need to belong and be accepted by others. However, when we are guided externally, we encourage suffering. When we are guided by internal forces, i.e., being true to who we are and what we value, communications become natural, easy, authentically ours.

Ask yourself, how do you connect with others? Are you being true to yourself in your communications? If not, what would it take to live a more authentic life?

Curiosity is an individual, relational, and global détente mechanism.

Pamela J. Reed, MA, LPCC

To be curious means to be open to knowing what is transpiring in any given moment, whether it is in the present or the past. Transpire, comes from two Latin words: trans, meaning “through” and spirare, meaning “breathe”. If we breathe through moments by being present, we can engage our curiosity. This is especially important in our relationships with ourselves and others. A lack of curiosity can breed indifference, discord, injustice, and feelings of irrelevance. In this post, I will review three ways that curiosity can help us improve our management of personal anxiety, relationship with others and relationship with the world.

On the individual level, what does it mean to be curious about ourselves? One of the first steps in therapy is to increase self-awareness. A therapist acts as a mirror, for people to see themselves through the eyes of another. This act of reflection is a powerful tool to open another’s awareness through a more objective framework. We must get curious about ourselves to understand the origin of our thoughts, which drive our emotions, actions, and reactions.

Anxiety is a reaction when we believe harm is imminent. Anxiety fools us by causing us to think that its presence is necessary. An example of disarming anxiety through curiosity looks like this: You feel anxious and may even feel a panic attack begin. These “attacks” present various physiological reactions, including tingling sensations in the extremities, increased heart rate, difficulty breathing, and a sense of being outside of one’s self. In that moment, for many people, fear takes over. When that happens, the sympathetic nervous system, our fight-or-flight response grabs hold of the reigns. Our brains tell our bodies there is danger and bodies respond with a flood of neurochemicals, preparing us for battle. This feeds the anxiety, keeping it alive.

Can we disarm the fight or flight response in the moment? Yes. Curiosity is one way to start the placation of fear. Be curious about what is happening. Talk to yourself. “Hmmm…I am noticing that my arms are tingling. Where is this happening in my arms? Is it moving up or down?” By asking yourself questions and being curious about what IS happening, we keep the executive functioning (i.e., “logical”) part of our brain engaged, decreasing fear and thoughts around what MIGHT happen. Keeping engaged with what curiosity lessens our anxiety. What transpires next is that we can literally breathe through the moment to calm our bodies even more.

What does it mean to be curious in our relationships with others? With our partners, our family members, our children? What if the “attack” we feel is external rather than internal? Words and actions toward us can have disastrous consequences when we allow our fear response to take over. In our most intimate relationships, intense feelings and reactions can be elicited at times. Being curious in the moment within these relationships and asking “why” questions from a place of authentic interest, can turn our relationships toward reflection rather than confrontation. This engages the brains’ executive functioning, decreasing sympathetic nervous system reactions. As parents, we can feel frustration and anger at times when our children behave in a way that does not match our values and ideas around “how it is supposed to be”. Instead, let us remember to ask “why?” in those moments, internally toward ourselves (e.g., Why am I having this strong of a reaction? Why is my child behaving in this way?) or externally toward our children (e.g., Why did you choose that behavior at that time?).

On the societal level, what does it mean to be curious about others in our community and in the world? What happens when we approach situations with curiosity rather than fear? Curiosity breeds compassion wherein a palpable weight is lifted. If we took a moment to ask questions, through the lens of curiosity, relating to whether a person poses a threat to our livelihood, our ego, our sense of safety, we can turn our fear into true interest in another. Let us be curious about one another. Perhaps curiosity is a mechanism for détente—individually within us, relationally with those we love and care about, and globally with others.